![]() A little on the nose, ancestors, but message received! She’s flushed and happy, heading out of FlyWheel. Just as I’m about to go in, I bump into an old friend on the street. ![]() I’m starving, and the movie’s stark, late-capitalist message about finding self-love at SoulCycle makes me feel even emptier.Ĩ:00 p.m.: After the movie, I decide I will start my Olivia Diet at Shake Shack with a bacon cheeseburger, just as my Jewish ancestors would have intended. I have still only consumed one cheese and one apple today, and I am too late to the screening to get any popcorn. I’m not a film critic but suffice to say that it is occasionally sweet but surreal, and features an extended SoulCycle arc so dead-eyed and craven that I feel the need to cross myself in the theater (sorry, Jewish grandma). Just like it was too late for Olivia to claim moral rectitude after she beat former Vice President Andrew Nichols to death with a chair.Ħ:00 p.m.: I head to a screening of Amy Schumer’s new movie, I Feel Pretty. Olivia would be horrified at the idea of combining two food groups, neither of which involves preservatives.ġ:01 p.m.: It occurs to me I could have just bought popcorn on my way to work, but it’s too late now. I have to go to work in a few minutes, so I have no choice but to break my Olivia Diet before I have even begun it. I sustain myself by listening to Olivia and Fitz’s theme song, entitled “ The Light,” which is where I am headed if I don’t eat soon. ![]() I hang around my house, waiting for it to stop snowing so I can go buy my sodium-packed groceries.ġ:00 p.m.: Still snowing. ![]() Understanding that I literally could not survive on one bowl of popcorn per day and one steak per week, I decided to mix it up by eating some form of popcorn, steak, or hamburger for every meal, plus the requisite bourbon and/or wine at night.)Ĩ:00 a.m.: I wake up excited about hamburgers, which I don’t eat very often because “health.” I’d planned on walking to the grocery store and buying my giant rations of steak and popcorn for the week, but it is, unbelievably, snowing. (Disclaimer: On an intellectual level, I know that this diet, much like every single thing that happens on Scandal, should not be tried at home. If this is published posthumously, please free several cows in my name. In case I didn’t, I wrote it all down in this diary. If I ate and drank like Olivia for a week, I wondered, would I also inspire equal parts fear and lust in everyone around me? Would my nightly bowls of popcorn chased with bowls of wine turn me into a brilliant, hot, killing machine? More importantly: Would I actually survive to figure it out? So with the Scandal finale looming on the horizon, a strange compulsion came over me: I needed to figure out whether I, too, could be an extremely high-functioning candidate for both gallbladder removal and high-security prison. That’s it.ĭespite eating like a depressed frat boy being interviewed on Watch What Happens Live, Olivia has the bod of a statue and is consistently energetic in her pursuit of justice with a side of nonchalant murder. Olivia’s diet consists of the following five food items: gargantuan bowls of popcorn (consumed nightly), goblets that perpetually runneth over with blood-red wine (same), a tense steak eaten once a week with her father, the occasional Gettysburger (a fake fast-food chain that loves America), and a tall glass of bourbon, if a lot of people have died at her hand recently. However, there is one thing about Olivia that evades perfection, one thing that has always disturbed me: She does not eat like a grown-up. Olivia Pope is aspiration porn, if your aspiration is to look amazing and make tons of money while slowly dissociating from your moral compass. But on Scandal, Olivia Pope is perfect: perfect face, perfect teeth, perfect outfits, perfect brain, perfect way of being super rude to everyone who tries to get close to her, perfect stompy-heels walk, perfect inability to not sleep with the president, perfect ability to metabolize gallons of alcohol without ever sleeping, perfect at murdering innocent people and being like, “I did it for YOU, MELLIE,” perfect at evading the long arm of the law. In any other context, Olivia would be a frustrating and unbelievable character, a flawless bombshell genius woman who has a preternatural talent for blowing up foreign dignitaries’ planes while buying thousands of coats. ![]()
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